Sherry Stringfield's ass in 93
I won this blog in a truth telling contest
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A history of violence
Posted:Mar 24, 2019 12:42 pm
Last Updated:Mar 25, 2019 5:36 pm

That movie was pretty good in the beginning but the ending was weak .

Last night I was hanging out with Double D and we were discussing the autonomous cars and how they should be programmed which naturally flowed into the old question of – if you found out that someone was an active serial killer and they weren’t going to get caught would you take them out ? Which then turned into a discussion about self-defense and I expressed my belief that I’m not sure I would resort to violence even for self-defense . So then she asked “Just for yourself or also in the defense of others ?” And I said probably in either case .

Then she asked me “Even if one of your nieces was being attacked ?” which is a horriblye thought that will stick with me for a while but I’ll call fair on that because I ask her terrible things all the time . My answer was kind of wishy-washy on that but I also think we weren’t communicating very well – I didn’t mean imply that I wouldn’t care enough do anything , more that I wasn’t sure I COULD do anything .

She was so disgusted by this admission that we almost didn’t have sex . I mean she eventually caved obviously because just look at me – who’s going pass all this up ? But this revulsion got me thinking more about the question .

The first thing that came mind is when I worked the strip club in college and two of the goons there curb stomped a guy . I was definitely frozen in that moment . Even if I had wanted to I doubt I could have done anything to intervene in that scenario . If for some reason they had me I probably would have been able run away but that’s probably about it . Granted I was a college kid and they were professional goons so maybe I get a pass on that but regardless it seems support my stated position .

But then the next thing that came mind was the time those kids were trying hurt my cat and I went berserk and chased after them (and tripped and fell on my ass) . Which kind of blows the whole thing out of the water . As you may remember that incident was so disturbing me that I eventually sought out religious advice ! It was also 0% useless and stupid as you may remember . So I guess I can’t claim be 0% nonviolent .

The next thing that occurred me was the time my old job I shoved I guy (I swear I barely touched him) and he lost his balance and fell down the stairs . That was like wild pier six brawl of course but it pokes another hole in the non-violent theory .

The next car in the through train was back in the day when the gang and I would D&D into the wee hours of the night and a belligerent drunk redneck started pounding on the door saying someone had fucked his dog . All my friends went out to confront him and I did not . My friend Gedo , who’s house this happened , said “I don’t blame you he could have had a gun” but the truth is I wasn’t thinking about that – I was just scared . I had a real hard time facing my friends for a long time after that .

My friend Jado thinks that I became fearful and paranoid in HS after I sucker punched a dude and he started stalking me and was arrested brandishing a pistol and saying he was going to kill me . But I’m pretty sure I was already like that . However that puts further kibosh on the non-violence theory because I did punch a guy .

One of the many reoccurring stress dreams I have is being out on a date and some dude or dudes starts hassling my lady and I don’t do anything about it . I would probably have this dream anyway but it probably happens more because of two things . One that my first girlfriend loved getting into it with dudebros . I don’t know if she wanted to see me get my ass kicked or if that was just the way it was but it got to the point where I didn’t want to go anywhere with her because I knew there was a good chance she was going to mix it up with someone and likely she wasn’t the one who would reap any potential consequences .

Second that in HS a bunch of my friends went to a shitty part of Chicago to see some loud screamy band after which they decided it would be a good idea to try and score some drugs . It was not . In addition to being robbed the women in the group were taken to a house and sexually assaulted .

I know I’ve referenced this at least 3 times already and that Louis CK is on the list now , but there was an episode of Louis that really hit home with me where he was out on a date and some bros in and are being loud and obnoxious and he says something them and they make like they’re going kick his ass and he doesn’t exactly beg them not but he abases himself for sure get them lay off . And afterwards his date can’t even look at him . She admits logically he did the right thing but emotionally she just can’t be with him after seeing him get punked like that .

I feel like that’s probably how that would go down IRL . It sucks but that’s probably true most of the time . I remember one time being in bed with a woman and she sighed and said that she felt so safe with me and I said “Why ? The list of things that I can protect you from that you can’t handle yourself is pretty thin” . Smooth right ? Although in her defense just having another person in the mix does make you a lot safer – or maybe not since most women are attacked by the guys they’re dating .

Anyway , it was a blow the old ego when I saw the revulsion on her face but that’s why I try keep it real – I should be judged appropriately . I don’t as some people claim TRY drive people away but I don’t want bullshit them either . I understand the impulse try and pull the wool over people’s eyes so they’ll like you but if you’re not being genuine they don’t really like you . So what’s the point ? They might as well like someone else . quote Popeye the sailor man “I am what I am” .

Anyway , this morning I watched a compilation of the best DPs from 20 set the music of "Work Bitch" so I feel better now .

The dirty coward is the slime of the earth , working exclusively for themselves and shamelessly retreating from harm's way even if that harm is about hit the person that just saved his or her life two seconds ago . They'll take every advantage and are not above using dishonorable tactics and dirty tricks , but they'll cry and moan every time the tables are turned and someone uses the same tactics against them , asks for a volunteer or reminds them of that promise they made . They’re often full of vicious plans for anyone they dislike , as long as they aren't in need of that person's skills at the moment .

Though the dirty coward may be a sociopath (or one of the Social Darwinists) they're certainly not heroic or comedic . And if they're a bastard , they're certainly not meant be magnificent . They're usually only marginally competent start with and even the cleverest of them tends be short-sighted . Even when they know that breaking ranks will leave a hole in the defenses that will let the enemy in , leading far more danger for them in the long term , they will generally run for it anyway .

Their allegiance almost always lies with whoever can cause them the most immediate harm , even if that threat isn't likely last. They'll be happy badmouth people their faces when they can not immediately hurt them , only attempt curry favor when the roles reverse . Dirty cowards are especially prone suffering a karmic death , usually at the hands of whatever they were trying run from , and are similarly likely suffer a villainous breakdown .

Usually a villain unless used comically , although they may sometimes be a certain type of civilian that gets in the way . When used as a villain , this is a cheap way make the heroes look good in comparison , even if they're not everything they should be . Villainous dirty cowards tend fall squarely into Neutral Evil , since they are first and foremost out for their own hides the expense of others . One of the best ways demean the big bad is by making them out be a coward . It's doubly ironic if the one who brings fear into the hearts of others turns out to be a pathetic scaramouch who hypocritically makes others feel weak because they are really the weak one and try to hide it .

It's tough to make a main character into one of these without them coming off as more slimy and irritating than funny . Unlike most villains , the dirty coward doesn't even have finesse , which can make them extremely annoying . The dirty coward may or may not have a horrific past to explain their actions , but it doesn't usually redeem them , at least not in the minds of the audience . When their backstory doesn't seem all that convincing , but convinces the hero anyway , it can be seen as a major cop out .

The dirty coward is pretty much always , for the dubious reason that women aren't expected be brave in the first place .
I tend not to give advice but this is by request
Posted:Mar 22, 2019 7:11 pm
Last Updated:Mar 24, 2019 12:43 pm

Is there anything more pure , more full of possibility than a happy human infant ? A human infant is mostly free of any energetic baggage and that’s why their ease and joy are so enviable . When an adult releases their energetic baggage they may find that their “good days” are coming more often than their “meh” or “bad” days . They may find that they are less bothered by the little things , that they feel a adult infant-like contentment , enthusiasm and passion for life .

People might start to comment on how vibrant they look and be drawn to their shagginess . They will discover that the universe is now gifting them with things they’ve always desired and they will suddenly become more creative , curious and adventurous than they’ve been in years . Juvenile bison will walk up to them in Walgreen's and nuzzle them gently with their giant head. This is all because they are now closer to the mattress in their soul. They’re the diamond in the rough , only without the rough ! LOL

Being happy is a good indication that you are in touch with your soul mattress . When you are happy you feel good . When you feel good , there’s no mountain too high to climb . Just look at annoying little kids and their vast imaginations , their unwavering beliefs in stupid stuff that could never be true . The imagination is what connects us to mattress , I think , and thus to our own beautiful spirits – which is where the mattress is BTW . Each of us is born with joy in our hearts because that is where our gifts originate — in joy . When we are joyful we can share those gifts with the world . When we are joyful we can move mountains .

For many years, the mattress in my soul was trying to guide me , but I wasn’t paying attention . Even when the mattress in my soul tried to communicate with big glaring WARNING signs or GO HERE billboards , I disregarded them .

Thinking back to the year 2000 , I have to laugh when I think about how my former wife and I stood in line for three hours at the courthouse to get our marriage certificate . And finally , when we were at the very front of the line , belly up to the courthouse clerk , there was a (banned word) threat .

I’d already received other, more subtle hints that foretold the destructive patterns that later became impossible to ignore . But I overlooked them , just like I ignored the flashing red (banned word) threat that forced us to evacuate the courthouse .

Why did I ignore such blatant mattress soul guidance ? Because I was attached to marrying this lady , so I wrote it off even though somewhere deep within me , I knew better .

Consider the times you’ve ignored the guidance of the mattress in your soul .

Chances are good that you did so because you thought you should . The wedding invites had been sent ALREADY , so you should go through with the wedding – those were damn expensive . Plus you’d look like a fool for backing out . You’ve already spent so many years training for the job your mattress in soul wants you to leave . The money is good . It’s a secure job in an insecure economy . You should stay .

The mattress is telling you that you don’t have to take care of the elderly relative who treats you like shit , but another part of you thinks you should . You’re working yourself to death to pay for the fancy house and the private school and your mattress is telling you to simplify , downsize and send the kids to public school where they can be savagely beaten on a daily basis . But you don’t think you should sacrifice their quality of life for yours .

The mattress in your soul doesn’t want to go to church anymore , but you should . The mattress in your soul doesn’t want to hang out with the friend you’ve known for twenty years anymore , but you should . The mattress in your soul doesn’t like the missionary position and wants to get down and dirty , but you should not let on that you fantasize the way you do . The mattress in your soul wants to dance with the devil in the moonlight , but you should go to the gym . The mattress in your soul wants to eat sweet , sweet chocolate cake , but you should eat kale chips and gauc .

God forbid you actually follow the mattress’s guidance . There could be anarchy . And hell followed after .

Because we’re so full of ideas and judgments about what we should and shouldn’t do, we tend to talk ourselves out of the guidance of the mattress in our souls . We don’t trust that our mattress knows what’s best, so we tend to write off the guidance as whimsy or even folly ! To both pay attention and heed guidance may require radical acts of courage and that can feel terrifying – like confronting a phantom . Or even a phantasm . But not a phantasmagoria .

Where will the mattress in my soul lead me ? How uncomfortable will I have to get ? Like anal uncomfortable ? How much uncertainty will I need to tolerate ? Like buying an actual mattress without testing it out uncertainty ?

The soul mattress doesn’t give a FUCK about certainty . The mattress in your soul cares about freedom . Like William Wallace . Not the real one but the one from the movie Braveheart . The real one was a kind of a pill . But now he’s dead so whatever .

Every time we override the mattress’s (the soul one not the real one) guidance , it gets LOUDER , not because you don’t have free will and not because you’re being punished , but because you are being such a dum-dum Dugan . The mattress doesn’t necessarily speak the same language as you , it may speak Portuguese , so it may not just start rattling off guidance in your ear . Instead, it will use anything it can- dreams , chain letters , spam emails , people who show up unannounced and knock on your door a 2 AM like in the Strangers , stabbing physical pain , gut instincts , gut worms , bumper stickers , synchronicities – to make you pay attention . The mattress in your soul is always trying to guide you (unless it takes a break) but when you repetitively ignore it , it has to get crafty . Sometimes you wind up clobbered with a surgical 2 x 4 right up the ass .

The guidance of the mattress in your soul may start as a guiding dream or a persistent thought or a book or blog post (like this one ! )that seems to speak directly to you . But if you ignore this , the mattress may guide you through painful interventions , like loss or illness or getting it up the butt . The mattress is screaming for you to WAKE UP , it’s begging you to free yourself from all the should . By any means necessary it will make you face the TRUTH about who you are and what is aligned with your true self .

Because so many people suffer from what the shamans and mattress salesmen and podcast commercials for Purple Mattress call “mattress loss” , they lose touch with the guidance and wind up feeling lost , confused , disconnected , lonely , ugly , smelly , gross , bloated , vile , flabby , riddled with STDs and out of touch with the purpose and meaning in their lives . Reconnecting with the mattress in the soul is medicine for the mattress in the soul .

If you feel like you’re not optimally tapped into your mattress soul and would like to learn more about how your mattress might be speaking to you , (SOLICITATION REMOVED)

Or are you trusting and acting on your guidance ? Share your stories of how your mattress has guided you or how you’ve resisted it and paid a terrible terrible price in the butt .
Lion and hyena
Posted:Mar 20, 2019 6:07 pm
Last Updated:Mar 24, 2019 12:44 pm

For million years lions and hyenas have done vicious battle neither one able to gain the upper hand . But soon thanks to humanity they will know peace in the blessed calm of extinction .

Sometimes I forgot how much some people are afraid of the police . A lady was talking about being pulled over and someone was telling her that the reason she got pulled over was bullshit and she said "I just didn't want it to turn into a MeToo moment" . The person talking to them is a real human rights nut so they kept trying to tell her about what she should have done in that situation and she followed up by saying "I just wanted to get out of there without getting my pussy grabbed . Tits and ass I can handle but not the pussy ."

Seemed a little beyond the pale to me but then not the type who needs to worry about being hassled by the police nor getting grabbed for the most part so what do I know ?

Today for work I read the final police report and some other documents about the driverless Uber in Arizona that killed a woman . If you believe the police report (see above) the final analysis is that the car detected the woman but it the program that allowed it to brake in emergencies was turned off . Why ? because it was breaking too much - as programmed it would break for birds and squirrels and the like . A woman was in the car for just such scenarios but she failed to react . She had 1.29 seconds to do so .

Since this incident a man has been arrested for pointing a firearm at a driverless van and many people have been observed shouting and throwing rocks at driverless cars .

A bill to allow autonomous cars in Iowa without a driver passed the House recently and is expected to pass the Senate .

The fact that the car was stopping for birds and squirrels made me think about the 1st law of robotics -

A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm

I never thought about it before but if we do start to have robots running around it's going to have to be more than humans - you don't want your robot butler to step on your dachshund . So there will have to be some rules about not harming living beings . But that's going to make things real tricky because you don't want your robot to hurt your pet but if an angry mastiff runs at you you certainly want your robot to stop it .

And for that matter there's going to have to be a hierarchy . Obviously the robots will be programmed to save humans over anything else but how does that ranking work ? What if it has to choose between a valuable heifer and someone's beloved family dog ? Who's going to make those rules ? Should it always attack bears ? Or only if it a bear is threatening a human ? Aren't bears threatening by nature ? What about beavers ? Generally not an issue but they've killed people from time to time .

Is there a conversion ? Is a herd of horses going to be saved over a housecat but one cat beats one horse ? What if it's a racehorse that won the Belmont Stakes ?

People worry about robots for a lot of reasons , some more legitimate than other , but the only thing that really bothers me is that they're programmed by people and people don't have a clue what they're doing .

About 18 months ago I wrote up an outline for a movie where hackers (a word everyone in IT hates) take control of autonomous cars and demand bitcoin or they're ram them into heavily populated buildings . I think it was actually a pretty good idea for a movie (he said humbly) but there was no ending .

But I had never thought of his driverless cars in terms of the three laws before . So now the ending would be that all the other cars see that humans are in trouble and they come to the rescue - boxing in the compromised cars and slowing them down and bringing them to a halt like a pack of hyenas attacking a kongoni . A maneuver that only the machine like precision of autonomous cars would pull off .

Will technology save us or destroy ? Both of course .

I, Robot was not a great movie but I did like the scene where all the old obsolete robots try to protect the humans from the evil new robots because they are programmed with the three laws . I generally am able to avoid anthropomorphizing or sympathizing with machines but that scene got me a little bit .
I bet a lot of disappointed pervs go to Disneyland After Dark
Posted:Mar 18, 2019 5:40 pm
Last Updated:Mar 22, 2019 7:15 pm

In Iowa the penalty for participating in an office March Madness pool is 1 year in jail (not prison) and a fine of up to $1875 . ASSUMING it's your first offence . Please check your local jurisdiction before you participate .

Yesterday I saw a listicle I thought you be fertile ground for one of my class/lazy make fun of a listcle posts - 20 signs you should worry about your sexual health . But there was nothing funny about it , it was just sad and gross .

It baffles me that for the majority of people it seems that sex is an integral part of a relationship . My brain tells me that if you love someone but they're not into hardcore PIV you should just be able to masturbate and be happy that you found someone - but that doesn't seem to be the case .

I remember being utterly disgusted by a lady at who said that she was divorcing her husband not because she didn't love him but because he was no good in bed . That's insane to me . I have to assume she didn't really love him because nothing else makes sense to me .

The thing that makes it really weird to me is that most couples report their sex lives aren't satisfying anyway - so what are they getting all upset about ?

It's been a long time since Adam Sandler has done anything worthwhile , actually it's been quite a while since he's done anything that wasn't aggressively awful , but Conan O'Brien was talking up his new Netflix special so I checked it out . It was decently funny , which by the standards of what he's done since the 90s is high praise indeed .

Towards the end he did a tribute to Chris Farley . He died more than 20 years ago . It got me to wondering , if/when one of my close friends die how much will it still impact me 20 years later ? Oh , BTW if I didn't mention it the dude who was a super jerk to me in the parking lot at my work died of a heart attack recently . For real .

Patton Oswald is pretty hit-miss for me when it comes to stand-up to the point where I don't bother to watch his stuff anymore but I am curious about his special Annihilation which is the one he did after his wife died . I haven't watched it yet and I may not ever because I'm not sure how I feel about that , but I did watch an interview where he talked about it and he said something interesting .

He talked about how you're programmed to think that when you lose someone close to you that you're in horrible anguish but what you don't get prepared for is the numbness . He talked about how for months after his wife died he'd get up , make his daughter breakfast , take her to school , sit in the car waiting for her to get done with school , take her home , help her with homework , make dinner , put her to bed , and then do the exact same thing the next day . Just the same thing over and over again without ever really feeling anything or talking to anyone . He said at some point he wonder if he was the one that had died and that this is what death was .

Back in the 90s there was a syndicated TV show called Amazon that was about a plane crashing in a remote part of the Amazon (title drop ! ) and the survivors dealing with the weirdo tribe that was there - which was the descendants of other people that had been trapped there going back to the 1500s . It was kind of a Bermuda triangle situation . I enjoyed that show but I bet it's awful .

I wonder if that show had any hand in inspiring Lost .

I wonder if first run syndication is even still a thing .

I feel like I could be a writer on a first run syndicated show . But I'm probably wrong .
Defiant to the end
Posted:Mar 16, 2019 10:40 am
Last Updated:Mar 17, 2019 8:08 am

For a hot Texas minute at the turn of the millennia lady boxing was a thing people cared about . At the height of this fad a lady wrestler and a lady cagefighter have some kind of legit beef so they decided to have a boxing match . I remember this being on NBC but I feel like that can't be true , it must have been on Fox right ?

For four rounds the wrestling lady absolutely lambasted the cagefighting lady - it was pretty hard to watch . You know how in a Rocky movie or other boxing movie the matches show 10,000% more punches than land in a real boxing match ? It was like that - although is was mostly one sided . The match was stopped after the 4th round because the cagefighting lady had a cut they couldn't stop from bleeding .

But she never quit . She kept answering the bell . Now I understand that part of the cultural spirit we're trying to build here says that this should be admired - she didn't quit , she didn't back down , she had grit , guts , determination , etc. But realistically that's just stupid right ? I'm no doctor but I would wager my X-Men Gold #17 that she suffered some kind of brain trauma from that . I mean what is the point really ?

At the time I didn't know much of anything about MMA and I still don't know a lot , but I'm given to understand that generally speaking they train in 3 disciplines - grappling , whatever martial art they think is cool , and you know , boxing . So in retrospect I wonder why this lady was so wide open the entire fight - honestly it looked like she had no idea how to protect herself - she kept getting blasted in the face time and time again . I suppose at that time the whole MMA scene was a little more loose and maybe she didn't have a ton of training .

Around this same time there was a short-lived reality show about lady kickboxers . The climax of the show was them going to Thailand , where kickboxing is a big deal , and fighting in some bouts there . There was one lady who after 30 seconds it was clear she was hopelessly outmatched and she bailed on the fight after the first round . And she was mocked and ridiculed for being a quitter quite soundly . At the time I was one of those people who sneered at her lack of fighting spirit . But I see now that I'm older and wiser that there's literally NO reason to get a savage beating from a Thai woman like that .

I mean my buddy Sparky pays money for that but that's a whole different scenario .

I get why as a nation we we need to socialize braver so young dudes will go fight wars for us when we want them to , but I wonder what it is about our psychology that makes it so appealing . It can't be evolution because the sneaky coward gene is going to live long enough to procreate a lot more than the brave warrior gene . I mean when the saber toothed hippo shows up to eat the clan of the cave walrus the guy who rushes out to fight it is the guy that doesn't pass on his hero genes .

So why do we like it so much when the square-jawed hero stands on the bridge and says "You shall not pass !" to the ravening horde of leather-clad mutants ?

Someone has been captured and incapacitated . What do they do , cooperate with their captor or beg to be spared ?

Hell no .

They make it abundantly clear that they have absolutely no respect for their captor . They'd never Kneel Before Zod in a million years and they're not afraid in the slightest to say so . Sure , Baron Bloodlust could kill them where they stand if he decided to , but you wouldn't know that from the insults . This is done when a defeated character laughs or snarks at the one who beat them , often when they're in no position to do so , possibly broken in pain on the floor or behind bars . This could even be for something that has absolutely nothing to do with them . They just can't let the other character get a complete victory .

SUPER ULTRA MEGA SPOILERS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As you all know I gave up on the Walking Dead some time ago but when I heard they were going to kill off Rick Grimes I wanted to see how that would go down so I watched a couple episodes leading up to his last episode . It started out promisingly enough - he did something stupid like the characters in that show do constantly and he actually paid for it . It was a little cliche to have him hallucinate seeing all the beloved characters that had died but it was nice too .

And then they RUINED it . Him blowing up the bridge in a unnecessary heroic sacrifice was lame to begin with AND THEN HE DIDN'T EVEN DIE !!!! They show him flying off in a fucking helicopter .

They suckered me back in and then sucked worse than ever .

Speaking of , as you've heard me complain about Shameless is really starting to go downhill and as further proof Fiona's exit was a HUGE disappointment . Not only did she not die she just left basically for no reason and with no build up at all .

Why are TV writers such pussies ? If someone is leaving the show I want that character to die . Horribly die preferably .
Sexy time sex poll about sex
Posted:Mar 15, 2019 6:04 pm
Last Updated:Mar 18, 2019 5:18 pm

Privacy is a fundamental human right, and is central to the maintenance of democratic societies.
Not sure
8 Comments , 29 votes
Insert freedom speech from Braveheart here
Posted:Mar 12, 2019 5:36 pm
Last Updated:Mar 26, 2019 12:53 am

Some people think that movie is better than the Patriot . I wish them well .

For maximum freedom there should be ZERO regulations for ANYTHING . If a fellow American should make a product that kills me , well friend , I should’ve read the fine print . And do you know what it woulda said ?

“Sorry if you die from this , I’m just living the American Dream .”

Nuff said

Why do you think genies are such jerks ? It's been well and truly established that any wish you make they'll twist evilly to hurt your feelings but why ? There's tons of literary examples along with movies and TV but I've seen this behavior in real life . One time an efreet offered by friend 5151 an wish and she wished that she would never have to work again - the next day she was fired and blacklisted . One time a marid offered my friend Fausto a wish and he asked for world peace - so the genie gave him a piece of the world . My friend Bramanda asked to be a sex object and she was turned into a butt plug . My friend Slater Heath asked for riches and a bunch of dudes named Rich turned up and then sued him for not taking care of them . My buddy socks asked to live forever and was transported to the big bang because he said FOREVER so he had to start at the beginning .

I endeavored to find this out so I went up to the attic and dug out the old water bottle I found in '03 that had a genie in it - I had never messed with it before because I know the deal but I was willing to risk it for science . So I rubbed the water bottle (if you know what I mean) and a genie appeared . I wished for a lower interest rate on my house and you know what this guy did ? He made all the stuff in my house disappear and said "You're rate of interest in this house just went way down didn't it ?"

So I said to him "Is that really what you thought I meant ?" And he admitted that no , he knew exactly what I meant , so I asked him why he was being a dick about it and he said it was because he was sick of people coming up to him and asking him for wishes all the time .

And I says to him I says "You initiated this whole thing . I freed you from the old water bottle and the first thing you said was that you would grant me a wish - I didn't ask you for anything before you offered ."

And he said that I he meant in a general way , that most people harass him for wishes and he got sick of it centuries ago .

"Well that's not fair" I said "I didn't do that to you , you're punishing me for what other people did ? What kind of a way is that to be ?"

And the genie said "You probably would have wished for more wishes anyway - everyone does that and I hate it !"

"But you just saw me not do that " I protested "you said one wish and I wished for a lower mortgage rate . I didn't ask for more wishes . You're doing the same thing - you're taking your issues out on me for stuff other people did ."

The genie started getting real defensive then and starting trying to spin some tale about how they perverted wishes to teach us a lesson .

"How is that helpful ? Wishes aren't a thing we deal with outside the context of genies , the only time we get wishes are from you guys - so what's the use of trying to teach us this lesson ? That's like me randomly punching people on the bus to teach them that I shouldn't be allowed on the bus - it makes no sense ."

The genie started getting all hot under the collar then and I'm not proud to admit that we both said some nasty things but then he said "Yeah well Kazaam sucked !"

And I says "Yeah , that's fair , I understand why you mess with us now ."

This was all just for fun of course (and maybe a lower interest rate) because obviously we all know why genies don't like humans . Genies were gods original creation and they didn't take kindly to the fact that after Maramus started kill them all god was too busy creating us to help them much . Being abandoned by your creator is bad enough but then getting your ass kicked and being replaced ? You can scarcely blame them .

What wishes have you or someone you know turned out wicked ?
Has anyone told you you'd look better as a brunette ? (66 Taquitos)
Posted:Mar 11, 2019 5:22 pm
Last Updated:Mar 12, 2019 5:07 pm

Yeah , yeah

Ayo , kitties , it's time
It's time , kitties (aight , kitties , begin)
Straight out the rolled dungeons of

The beep drops deep as does my taquito
I never roll , 'cause to roll is the son of pepito
Beyond the walls of taquitos , life is defined
I think of taquitos when I'm in a fridge state of mind

Hope the peptito got some gauco
My smoko don't like no dirty conoco
Run up to the rocco and get the mako

In a fridge state of mind
What more could you ask for ? The baked cheese ?
You complain about not having taquitos
I gotta love it though - somebody still speaks for the bonito

I'm rappin' to the sour cream
And I'm gonna move your chicken

Fried , tortillaed , sexy like a flauta
Boy, I tell you , I thought you were a mata

I can't take the not having tacquitos , can't take the chicken.
I woulda tried to bake I guess I got no stricken

I'm rappin' to the chicken
And I'm gonna move your sour cream

Yea , yaz , in a fridge state of mind

When I was young my son I had a tease
I waz kicked out without no freeze
I never thought I'd see that ease
Ain't a soul alive that could take my taquito seize

A great goat is quite the coat

Thinking of taquitos , Yaz , thinking of taquitos (taquitos)
I get bored with people easily because I'm so smart
Posted:Mar 10, 2019 12:42 pm
Last Updated:Mar 11, 2019 5:12 pm

Guys here how smart I am . I read BOOKS . While you rest of you drooling troglodytes are mashing your lumpy genitals together and staring mesmerized at Netflix and Youtube videos of people eat Tide Pods I'm READING . Books about history and philosophy and problems facing the world . I can talk intelligently about all these things while you can only tell me what Kardashian is sharing her vagina with what C-list celebrity currently .

I don't even OWN a television . I cal it television because TV is a nickname and nicknames are for friends and television is no friend of mine . I don't even KNOW anything about pop culture . I know things about bronze age trading routes . Do you even know what the bronze age is ? I doubt it but I bet you can name all the winners of the Bachelor you syphilitic ignoramus .

People try to make small talk with me and it's just so boring - everything they say is so facile . They don't reveal anything about themselves or take any risks in what they're so - I can't even pay attention . It's like listening to the mewling of a drunk kitten .

I listen to NPR . I'm hearing about what's going on in the world while you're wasting your time with podcasts about murders . Do you even know what's going on with tin mining right now ? I doubt it , but I bet you can sing all the lyrics to Ariana Grande's 7 Rings you slack-jawed pinhead .

I only listen to JAZZ and CLASSIC music . It's about the notes they DON'T play . While you're trying to clean barf-stains out of your Guns and Roses wirebeater I'm composing my own music , I'm arranging . I'm a creator .

Uncreative people are just so awful . They're living un-lifes . Going to work every day and sitting in their cubicals and typing away like rat zombies in a geodesic dome of banality . I could NEVER do that . I'm too creative and interesting . If you're not an artist what is the point of you being alive ? I suppose someone has to work at the factory where they make my Pixel . Keep having kids you overfed chunkmonsters .

I've been to LONDON . Do you even know where that is ? I don't know if you can understand this but to get there I had to get on a plan and go across the ocean . A plane is flying machine and an ocean is like a lake so big that you can't see the other side of it even with your Scooby-Doo viewmaster .

I talk LOUDLY about politics .

I know about WINE .

I've been to the OPERA .

I quote Shakespeare .

I know so much I don't even know where to begin .

In a lake there is a patch of lily pads . Every day , the patch doubles in size . If it takes 48 days for the patch to cover the entire lake , how long would it take for the patch to cover half of the lake ?

Your response is probably to take a shortcut and to divide the final answer by half . That leads you to twenty-four days . But that’s wrong . The correct solution is forty-seven days moron .

I'm one of the smartest people alive probably and the only reason I work at a small to mid sized failing insurance company is because everyone is jealous of my intelligence and works against me .
Name a female superhero other than Wonder Woman
Posted:Mar 9, 2019 3:04 pm
Last Updated:Mar 11, 2019 5:10 pm

You might be able to but it probably takes a moment of thought .

Currently in the DNGP community (Dork , nerd , geek , poindexter) there is a savage and wildly incoherent debate raging about Captain Marvel . And let me tell you , there's really nothing like a bunch of neckbeards in XXXL Deadpool jerseys arguing about gender politics . They've backed off on it a little but for a while they were pushing the fact that Captain Marvel is the first MCU movie with a female lead and anything about "feminism" always gets people riled up .

There's a variety of arguments being throw out , one of this is that the movie shouldn't have been made because Captain Marvel isn't an A-List Marvel comic character .

I find this interesting for a variety of reasons . Firstly , because Marvel has no A-list female characters . And for that matter aside from Wonder Woman neither does DC . With the success of the Avengers movies maybe some people would say Black Widow and maybe a few would say Scarlet Witch , maybe a handful would even say Jessica Jones - but really aside from the big W there's not much in the way of female super-people with strong brand recognition .

More importantly though that argument is impotent because it doesn't matter - Marvel has their formula figured out . They do A , they do B , they do C and the make a billion damn dollars . It doesn't matter who's in the movies anymore . I mean the Guardians of the Galaxy ? Most comic people didn't even know them and that movie was a massive success . Ant-Man , Dr. Strange , Black Panther - this is not the cream of the Marvel crop and those movies made 7 bajillion dollars combined I'm pretty sure .

Marvel doesn't need A-list characters , they just need to barf out a movie a few months and drive their dump-trunk full of million dollar bills to the bank . They could make a Demolition Man movie starring Jack Black and it would be the highest grossing film since Titanic . They could make 3D Man starring Owen Wilson and it would win an Oscar . They've making a TV show about Dazzler and Tygra - they can do whatever they want . They could make a movie where I play Spider-Man and my costume is the Spider-Man PJs I had when I was 8 and the villain is parking meter with a mask on it it would be a moderate success .

I keep waiting for the bubble to burst but until it does Marvel can make a movie about anything and everything .

I mean Jake Gyllenhall looks utterly ridiculous as Mysterio and that movie will be a smash hit .

Anyway , I went and saw Captain Marvel today and the dude sitting next to me clapped when it said "Thanks Stan" at the beginning and cried during the scene where Captain Marvel learns that the power was inside her all along . I feel no shame in judging him .


Unless you like seeing a cat hack up a hairball don't bother staying for the second post-credit scene .

If you do like watching a cat hack up a hairball I have no problem judging you either .
A sucker punching rabbit
Posted:Mar 8, 2019 5:56 pm
Last Updated:Mar 11, 2019 5:09 pm

It was recently demonstrated to through visual evidence there's a very strong possibility this is not my original reality . How I got here is unknown but the most likely culprit is passing through a wormhole .

first I thought this must have happened fairly recently but upon further reflection there's no reason to believe . The only thing I can say for sure is I was in my original dimension in 1999 .

My initial reaction to this revelation was I should probably try to find out when I crossed over but quickly I realized it really doesn't matter - here now and things are so similar I didn't notice possibly for 19 . But then I changed my mind again and realized doesn't mean there might be some horrible surprises coming my way .

The me from this reality might be a serial killer who leaves no trace right ? How would I know just from stepping into this world ? He might be a drug smuggler . Maybe he did all kinds of bad shit no one I see regularly knows about . Maybe he went to Majorca every three and sacrificed a buffalo to almighty Zeus .

But even setting aside his life actually could have been way different without noticing - I mean how much of your past do you interact with on a day to day basis ? Not much .

I think if I were to write about this the first act would be him slowly coming to the realization it had happened . The second act would be him getting insanely obsessed with figuring out when/why/how it happened to the point it's ruining his life and everyone things he's crazy . In the third act he would to accept there's nothing he can do about it so he should just live whatever life he has . not sure if 's a very satisfying conclusion though .

So if you're talking to sometime about something we did together or something I said or just some event in the past and I don't know what you're talking about it's because I wasn't here for , if it happened after 1999 . Or I just forgot about it .

It would be interesting if the time I crossed over to this world was on the stoke of midnight on 1999 - seems like a hook people would enjoy .

Going back to framing this as a story I think if it was a movie the final scene would be the guy basically being convinced he's crazy and he isn't from another world - and then he finds a photograph came over with him proves he is . Roll credits .

One time a lady asked me what I thought about her getting a boob job and I said I don't think cosmetic surgery is ever a good idea since even though it's relatively safe there is a risk , because you know , it's surgery - and it didn't seem worth it purely for vanity . This upset her greatly . still not sure why but I assume it's either because she really wanted to do it and wanted affirmation or because she was fishing for compliments .

The only thing worse accepting a compliment is giving one . I apologize to everyone .

Princess Peach v Princess Zelda

Result Princess Peach wins

While Zelda is magically potent , Peach's magical powers can least match her blow for blow (so to speak) . Zelda's trump card, her Light Arrow, can be negated by Peach's Anger Magic . Where Peach truly carries the advantage is in the physical strengths in she has a varied arsenal , is shown to be much more athletic and has a 's powerful enough to cause decapitation .

He-Man v Lion-O

Result He-Man wins

He-Man's strength easily overpowers Lion-O's and He-Man is just as fast , if not faster . He-Man is more than strong enough to destroy the Sword of Omens , leaving Lion-O vulnerable and his Power Sword can deflect all the energy blasts fired by the Sword of Omens . This would leave the Eye of Thundera's impressive magical energies as Lion-O's only trump card , but by the time it gets far , Lion-O would already be in serious danger .

The Incredible Hulk v Doomsday

Result Doomsday wins

The Hulk has the advantage in strength while Doomsday has the edge in speed , making the battle fairly evenly matched were it not for a quirk of Hulk's powers . Even transformed , the Hulk's physiology is human and due to the way the human body processes anger , Hulk's strength is a by-product of his healing factor . If Hulk's healing factor is over-taxed by taking enough damage the Hulk begins to lose his strength and is rendered vulnerable . Doomsday's speed , combat prowess and immense strength make him more than able to overtax Hulk's healing factor and weaken him enough to kill . Doomsday is also immune to most ways the Hulk could potentially kill him , having been defeated repeatedly by Superman and the Justice League and evolving to be invulnerable pretty much any form of brute strength .

Megazord v Voltron

Result Voltron wins

While the Power Rangers and their Megazord possess the superior close-range combat skills , Voltron outclasses the Megazord almost everywhere else . Voltron can travel between planets in less than a day , allowing it to easily outmaneuver the comparatively sluggish Megazord. Voltron has demonstrated a feat of strength 5.5 times greater than the Megazord's feats and Voltron has survived forces equivalent to a black hole , while far more powerful Zords have been broken apart by far weaker forces . None of the Power Rangers' other Megazords have close to matching Voltron's feats either . In addition, Voltron has a larger arsenal of ranged weapons , giving it a tactical advantage .

Smokey the Bear v McGruff the Crime Dog

Result Smokey wins

McGruff has advantages in speed and his smaller frame would be difficult for Smokey to but this is counterbalanced by Smokey being a bear , and thus having far greater physical strength ; these also serve as the only way McGruff had the edge on Smokey in the fight . Beyond this , the vaster differences lie in their abilities ; both combatants are capable of manipulating the flow of time , but only Smokey can interact with the world around him in the process . Smokey can also change his size and grow large enough to dwarf mountains . Ultimately , Smokey has advantages in both natural physique and additional skills to be more than a match for McGruff .

Thor v Wonder Woman

Result Wonder Woman wins

Both combatants were evenly-matched in terms of their experience , weaponry , and super modes but Wonder Woman's reaction speed — capable of deflecting projectiles fired from across the universe and catching a foe ahead of her in time — far eclipsed Mjölnir's highest known speed when thrown . Thor is capable of withstanding a bomb capable of destroying planets , giving him the edge in durability , but Wonder Woman has moved the planet Earth itself ; a feat eight thousand times greater than Thor lifting the Midgard Serpent . Lastly , while Mjölnir is a highly destructive weapon , it is incapable of cutting or piercing , injuries Diana would be susceptible to ; by comparison , Diana's Sword of Athena is sharp enough to cut on a molecular level and has previously killed demigods and other similar deities , meaning Thor has little resistance against a direct strike from it .
Get that ass ready to go
Posted:Mar 5, 2019 5:49 pm
Last Updated:Mar 8, 2019 5:17 pm

I started watching Escape at Dannemora and I think I'll like it BUT (remember that phase where I tried replacing the word but with a picture of a butt ? No one liked that) I have a pet peeve already . Benecio Del Toro's character is supposed to be a great painter but the paintings they show are the same quality you generally see from those trendy "come get wasted and paint" things the ladyfolk do these days - it's not awful but it's not anything you should be drooling over and commenting on it's masterfulness . I can get over it , but it seems like such a weird detail to overlook . I mean this isn't a low budget indy film - it doesn't cost that much to get a decent painting that someone would pay money for which . Come on Ben Stiller get it together .

Yeah , Ben Stiller made that - who saw that coming ? The dude from Along Came Polly made Escape at Dunnemora . Explain that .

My other initial observation about this work is that Patricia Arquette's boobs are out of control . She obviously put on some weight for this role and maybe she's one of those women where it all goes straight to the boobs but even so what the heck is going on ? Can they give you injections to make your boobs bigger temporarily ? What is going on ? I've seen Patricia Arquette before , many times , and she was walking around with those things swinging around . What is Hollywood doing ? And how are they doing it ?

Which leads me to wonder , the butt double is a long and storied tradition in Hollywood , is there such a thing as a boob double ?

40 it's called a body double

No , I feel like that's different . A body double usually doesn't show much right ? They're like in the shower or in a dense fogbank or something - I'm talking about like a pinch-hitter for the cleavage close ups .

Yeah 40 , body double .

Shut up you ! Although that scene where the boobs really come into play in the first episode was FUCKED up . It's interesting how the internet is kind of whatever because you expect to see fucked up shit there but when you see it on 'real' media it seems 1000 times worse .

Speaking of a lady on twitter was saying how she would never date a man under 6 feet tall and people started roasting her with comments about her weight . Which is shitty but also you know , didn't she kind of start it ? Does thinking that make me part of the problem ?

I wonder what the stunt doubles of the world think about the butt doubles . "Hey yeah , you look kind of like Zoe Saldana so we're going to set you on fire and throw you off a building , and you , you have a great ass so get that ass ready for a close up ." I don't know why but I would wager that the butt double gets paid more .

Remember that scene in Bowfinger when they're looking for a butt double for Kit Ramsey and Steve Martin goes "So we need a guy with a fabulous ass , and mine's the wrong color !" I do . I love that movie . And I don't care who knows .

Speaking of somehow (I really have no idea how) a boss at work found out that I play D&D and started calling me Dungeon Master . I REALLY don't like it . I admit to being a bad sport in general but the thing that sucks about being a bad sport (besides everything) is that you can't admit that you're a bad sport because good natured ribbing can very easily switch over to mean-spirited ribbing . So you kind of just have to go along with it .

I'd like to see a movie about butt/boob/body doubles . I wonder how that comes about and if that's like their main thing or if they're just models and that's a side gig . Or if they're actors but they can't break into the real roles . It's akin to my desire to see a doc about softcore porn - it's just such a weird concept to me I want to know who these people are and what their story is . Can you make a career out of having a sweet ass or do you need a day job ? Do you tell all your friends to go see the movie your ass is in ? Is there a guild of butt people ? These are the things I want to know .

I get really moronic e-mails at work from a company that sells corporate "games" for teambuilding and crap like that . I get a good chuckle out of how silly and OUTRAGEOUSLY expensive the stuff is . Today they were hocking fidget spinners and they gave the Five Factors for Fabulous Finger Fidgets -

1 - Not distracting

2 - Quiet

3 - Durable

4 - Interesting movements

5 - Pleasurable feel

If I was still putting together profiles for dating sites that is 100% what I would use . BUT can you guess if I would put that for what I AM or what am LOOKING for ?

Also I feel like #2 is superfluous given #1 which makes no sense because Four Factors for Fabulous Finger Fidgets has just as much alliteration .

Remember when Gawker suggested that Halle Berry uses Brad Pitt's butt double ? I do .
1 comment
One fine day
Posted:Mar 4, 2019 4:39 pm
Last Updated:Mar 6, 2019 5:02 pm

Today at work I was talking to a dude and not in the middle of the sentence but in the middle of a thought apropos of nothing he says to me he says "I graduated from Yale" which threw me off slightly . After a pause I said "neat" and then continued talking about the thing we were talking about . I couldn't read the expression on his face but he clearly did not get the response he wanted .

It reminded me of my friend Presto who would try to hit on women but was horrible at it and as a last ditch effort would say "I have a big dick !" That wasn't a very successful tactic .

One day when I was 12 or so I was waiting for the school bus after school and the only other kid waiting was someone I didn't know wearing a boy scout uniform . I think he was a little younger than me but he was a big kid . While we were waiting for the bus a yellow muscle car of some kind pulled up with two women in it . The one in the passenger seat kind of hung out the window , took a drag on a cigarette and said "you boys want a ride ?" I said "no" and the boy scout shook his head . After a moment she said "You want to see something funny ? " and without waiting for a response she flashed her tits and then they peeled out . The boy scout started wailing crying like it was the worst thing ever .

One day a lady and a dude were talking and she mentioned that her back had been hurting lately and her dude said "Maybe it's because of the extra 15 pounds you put on" . And the messed up part is he wasn't trying to be a douche - he really thought he was helping and felt super bad when her reaction was predictably poor . How could anyone be so stupid ? I mean at this point how can anyone make that mistake ? Also , is 15 pounds even enough to cause back issues ?

One day I was having a stickfight with the local kids (which if you're not familiar is what it sounds like - wailing on each other with sticks) and my buddy Kendo decided to pick up a rock and try to hit it with his stick - which he did , he nailed that rock , right into Hayes' ball bag . It was so bad he had to go to the hospital . I found out last week that as an adult he can't have kids . But that was like in 1986 - if you get a hard rock to the nads in 2019 can they fix you ?

Remember that time they rebooted One Day At a Time on Netflix ? I do .

Did you ever read that book One Day in December ? It was pretty good .

Do you think one day we'll find it ? The rainbow connection ? The lovers , the dreamers and me ?

Remember that movie One Day ? It wasn't very good . A lot of people complained about Anne Hathaway's accent . I don't understand why they cast people to try different accents . I also don't understand why anyone cares - just have them use their normal speaking voice if you want to cast someone who doesn't have the right accent .

One day I was talking to a lady about various horror movies and I realized that nothing good happens to someone who is reluctant to go to a party but allows themselves to be coaxed into going . Nothing . So if someone asks if you want to go to a party either be super pumped about it or don't go .

One day all of this will be yours

One day this pain will be useful

One day this sadness will fossilize and you'll forget how to cry

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